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"Time may change me
But I can't change time"
David Bowie
Yesterday, I had a conversation with my present therapist. She and I started 2 years ago. I was a complete and total mess, both physically and mentally, and I needed help. I was 4 months post op and struggling to get myself thru the day, sometimes hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. We immediately had a connection, she was able to help me thru what felt like a lifetime of baggage, and she never lost faith in me. She gave me an official diagnosis which allowed me to put a lot of the questions I had had a better part of my life into a larger picture where I could find the answers. She helped me bring the monsters that had been hiding for so long into the light and taught me how to handle the demons that had become a part of who I am.Bit by bit things started to change for the better.
Yesterday, we had a very important session. She explained that I had done amazingly well in therapy and it was time for the next step. She would be stepping back as my full time therapist, and transition into a " back up " role. I would be getting a new therapist that was better equipt to help me thru the next stage of my recovery. She would be there if I needed her, just a phone call away, but we wouldn't be seeing each other nearly as often. It was totally normal for me to hit bumps in the transition, but it was really important that I use the skills I had learned to get me thru the lapse (2-3 weeks) and into the new therapy environment. We then made an appointment for 3 months out, she hugged me, and sent me on my way.
Today, I woke up with fangs and talons out, suddenly terrified at the thought of things changing. My first thought was WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? Change has always been a big part of my life and I certainly have never been afraid of it before, yet here I was in full panic mode. Thru out the day I talked to people I trusted about what was going on in my head. I cried a little bit, I raged a little bit,and in the end, the fear eased.
I have finally come face to face with my own impatience and frustration and the "alien" feeling that has plagued me from the beginning of this journey? I guess that's the right word. In rebuilding myself and my life, I haven't had the time or the clarity to be able to see past survival and into what I want/need my new being to be in order for me to be a fully functional person again. Until now. It's time for me to step into the next phase, relearn and remember how to function on my own,to trust myself and my intuition again. I'm still standin, a little shaky but standing. I can do this. I know i CAN. Reintegration of mind, body, and soul into one solid being, just like I was before but different. It's just another beginning, nothing more and nothing less. this one was easier then the first one, and the next one will be easier then this. I just need to remember, relax, and keep breathing.
But I can't change time"
David Bowie
Yesterday, I had a conversation with my present therapist. She and I started 2 years ago. I was a complete and total mess, both physically and mentally, and I needed help. I was 4 months post op and struggling to get myself thru the day, sometimes hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. We immediately had a connection, she was able to help me thru what felt like a lifetime of baggage, and she never lost faith in me. She gave me an official diagnosis which allowed me to put a lot of the questions I had had a better part of my life into a larger picture where I could find the answers. She helped me bring the monsters that had been hiding for so long into the light and taught me how to handle the demons that had become a part of who I am.Bit by bit things started to change for the better.
Yesterday, we had a very important session. She explained that I had done amazingly well in therapy and it was time for the next step. She would be stepping back as my full time therapist, and transition into a " back up " role. I would be getting a new therapist that was better equipt to help me thru the next stage of my recovery. She would be there if I needed her, just a phone call away, but we wouldn't be seeing each other nearly as often. It was totally normal for me to hit bumps in the transition, but it was really important that I use the skills I had learned to get me thru the lapse (2-3 weeks) and into the new therapy environment. We then made an appointment for 3 months out, she hugged me, and sent me on my way.
Today, I woke up with fangs and talons out, suddenly terrified at the thought of things changing. My first thought was WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? Change has always been a big part of my life and I certainly have never been afraid of it before, yet here I was in full panic mode. Thru out the day I talked to people I trusted about what was going on in my head. I cried a little bit, I raged a little bit,and in the end, the fear eased.
I have finally come face to face with my own impatience and frustration and the "alien" feeling that has plagued me from the beginning of this journey? I guess that's the right word. In rebuilding myself and my life, I haven't had the time or the clarity to be able to see past survival and into what I want/need my new being to be in order for me to be a fully functional person again. Until now. It's time for me to step into the next phase, relearn and remember how to function on my own,to trust myself and my intuition again. I'm still standin, a little shaky but standing. I can do this. I know i CAN. Reintegration of mind, body, and soul into one solid being, just like I was before but different. It's just another beginning, nothing more and nothing less. this one was easier then the first one, and the next one will be easier then this. I just need to remember, relax, and keep breathing.
