Pixie's Place

This morning, I realized two things. One, despite the feeling of being an alien in my own body that I wrestle with, I can still talk myself into anything. And two , being in a down swing is never a good time to consider weight loss surgery. When I'm full in my brain, I have never considered it as a viable option. My medical doctors don't consider me a candidate, mostly because my body is healthy and they feel it would be killing the fly with a bazooka. I'm against it for me at this point in my life is the bottom line. But today... Depression is a hell of a drug!

I've been trying to figure out when and how to write this post since Saturday morning, so I'm gonna put it down and hope that it makes sense.

Karl had a heart attack Saturday morning. Two of the four major arteries were blocked, and the people of Kaiser San Leandro and St Rose fixed him up and saved his life. He's seen the Doc and they're very happy with how well he's doing. He's also getting Psych therapy. And he is doing so well!

I am so thankful to Drew and Sally. Their love and support got both Karl and I thru it.

We sprung Karl from the hospital on Sunday, and ever since then I've been counting all my blessings. There are so many reasons to love and be thankful, and both of us are letting those reasons fill us with hope and the strength to fight.

Nobodies road is smooth or straight or even single laned. There are forces all around us that threaten our lives and they are not to be taken lightly or overlooked.But I have to keep breathing and I have to keep hope and I have to find my flow again. Otherwise, it's all for not and the blessings have been wasted in the face of people who don't deserve that energy.

Thank you Mamma, Thank you Universe, Thank you Family, Thank you Tribe, Thank you love

"Time may change me
But I can't change time"

David Bowie

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my present therapist. She and I started 2 years ago. I was a complete and total mess, both physically and mentally, and I needed help. I was 4 months post op and struggling to get myself thru the day, sometimes hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. We immediately had a connection, she was able to help me thru what felt like a lifetime of baggage, and she never lost faith in me. She gave me an official diagnosis which allowed me to put a lot of the questions I had had a better part of my life into a larger picture where I could find the answers. She helped me bring the monsters that had been hiding for so long into the light and taught me how to handle the demons that had become a part of who I am.Bit by bit things started to change for the better.

Yesterday, we had a very important session. She explained that I had done amazingly well in therapy and it was time for the next step. She would be stepping back as my full time therapist, and transition into a " back up " role. I would be getting a new therapist that was better equipt to help me thru the next stage of my recovery. She would be there if I needed her, just a phone call away, but we wouldn't be seeing each other nearly as often. It was totally normal for me to hit bumps in the transition, but it was really important that I use the skills I had learned to get me thru the lapse (2-3 weeks) and into the new therapy environment. We then made an appointment for 3 months out, she hugged me, and sent me on my way.

Today, I woke up with fangs and talons out, suddenly terrified at the thought of things changing. My first thought was WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? Change has always been a big part of my life and I certainly have never been afraid of it before, yet here I was in full panic mode. Thru out the day I talked to people I trusted about what was going on in my head. I cried a little bit, I raged a little bit,and in the end, the fear eased.

I have finally come face to face with my own impatience and frustration and the "alien" feeling that has plagued me from the beginning of this journey? I guess that's the right word. In rebuilding myself and my life, I haven't had the time or the clarity to be able to see past survival and into what I want/need my new being to be in order for me to be a fully functional person again. Until now. It's time for me to step into the next phase, relearn and remember how to function on my own,to trust myself and my intuition again. I'm still standin, a little shaky but standing. I can do this. I know i CAN. Reintegration of mind, body, and soul into one solid being, just like I was before but different. It's just another beginning, nothing more and nothing less. this one was easier then the first one, and the next one will be easier then this. I just need to remember, relax, and keep breathing.